Dear diary,

"Look, over there! A three-headed monkey!"
With my sword prepared, I stared into the surprised face of a scurvy-collecting swashbuckling pirate. His lower jaw has almost sunk to ground level when he finally managed to draw his blade.

Meanwhile, my swordarm was getting cramped. Now it was his turn to insult me. That's the way insult-swordfighting works. See, it's not about the slashes and stuff, nooo sir! It's about touching the core, the very essence of your opponent. Make him go out of focus and strike when his guard is down! Now, what could make sure that situation occurs fast better than some good ole' insults?

Anyway, the guy keeps looking at me as if I'm from another planet (which I'm not, mind you. I'm just a young, wannabe pirate!). Well, those tight shoes were starting to get itchy, so he had better make his move soon, or else I'd make sure my blade would go up his arse.
Suddenly, he lowered his blade and smacked himself with his other hand. As his fingers slid down over his face, he muttered something.

"Oh man".
"Wh... what's wrong? Was the insult bad?"
"No... no, no. That's not it. You're sooo old-fashioned. Insult swordfighting is sooo passé.”
“Passé”.
“Yes, passé”.
“As in history?”
“Yeah, but in the past”.
“Ah”.

I didn’t quite know how to react. Fashion-sensitive pirates weren’t quite what I expected to find on this raw, godforsaken island. I didn’t expect to find trace of the modern world at all, actually. I just heard the pizzas were good.

And here I was, standing face to face with a swashbuckling trendhopper. Well, shit happens. Slightly disappointed I stuffed the blade in my pants and pulled out a camera. This was a first.

I then sighed and looked at the pirate again.
“So, what’s the deal, then?”, I asked.
“Well, we only do guitarbattles now. And I don’t mean that spanish guitar stuff from ‘Curse of Monkey Island’, I mean heavy metal guitar battles!”
“Ah”.
“It goes like this, a band plays a tune and the first one to name the band and song, wins! Whaddaya say?”
“Bring it on, punk!”
“Metal”.
“Whatever”.

From out of nowhere (I’m not lying!) a band appears and they start playing some heavy tunes.

“Hah! I know this one, it’s ‘Metal Heart’ by Accept”
“Nope, sorry. It’s the Dimmu Borgir cover”.
“What! Okay, stop. Hold it!”
“What’s wrong?”
“You didn’t say this silly game included covers”.
“Oh, I’m sorry, my fault. Let’s start over”.

The band started playing again and... what luck! Again I knew this song!
“Hah, I know! It’s Dimmu Borgir with ‘Metal Heart’!”
“No, it’s the original by Accept”.
“Well, I’ll be... how do you know that! There are no vocals!”

At this point, I was getting somewhat angry. I grabbed one of the guitars and started swinging it at my opponent.
“You look like a dairy farmer!”, he quickly exclaimed.
“Well, how appropriate. You fight like a cow!”
At that point I smacked him in the face with a nice sound (not metal, it sounded more like bone being crushed) and left him bleeding on the ground.
I grinned. “I got this scar during a mighty struggle!”
“I hope you’ve learned to stop picking your nose”. And he jumped up and poked me with the neck of his guitar in the stomach.
I was hurt pretty bad, but I still didn’t give in. “I’ve outwrestled octopi with these arms!”
“I’m sure spineless creatures everywhere are humbled by your might”.
With a powerful swing I felt the body of his Jackson ‘Randy Rhodes’ almost splitting my skull in half. This was it... or was it?
“Hey, look over there! It’s a three-headed monkey!”
The pirate instantly glanced over his shoulder long enough for me to punch him in the face. The blow was devastating and he tasted dirt rightaway.
“That’s what you get, jackass. Your mother wears a toupeé!”
After beating the crap out of him (before he got the chance of countering the insult, *grin I wiped my blood-stained hands clean on his shirt and saluted the band.

While whisteling the melody of ‘I Believe In Me’ by Illdisposed, I walked towards the setting sun. Time to find a way off this wretched island. How was it that grandpa Guybrush always managed to tell me such great stories of Meleé island? It sure has changed a lot. Well, he was right in one thing, though. No matter how intelligent or sneaky your opponent is, never underestimate the power of a good ole’ insult.

Yours,

GuyBlack Threepwood